Thursday, August 30, 2012

Purgatorial Ponderings

I think I might be dying.

Or dead.

Well, probably not either of those things, really, because I'm really hoping that being dead is not even remotely like sitting and working on my laptop. Although, I guess working on my laptop at home is a lot more like Heaven than sitting at work working on my desktop (which is really more like Purgatory).

You thought I was going to say "Hell," didn't you? Yes, I realize that there are some days that are pretty hellacious, but I figure there has to be an end to my time at my current job. Hence the Purgatory thing.

By the way... Whatever happened to Purgatory? I think it was mainly a Catholic thing when I was growing up. Purgatory - as I remember it - is not the same as Limbo (which is so not the "how low can you go?" thing), but is, instead, a kind of metaphysical holding pen for people who weren't quite up to par for Heaven, but nowhere near bad enough for Hell. I'm not really sure who made the judgments on that, though - or who came through with the clipboard to say "Okay. You're good to go." And now that I'm thinking about it, I'm also not sure how often they send Clipboard Guy through on those rounds, either.

But, back to the point - not the main point, but my semi-recent one - Why doesn't anyone talk about Purgatory any more? Why do we only talk in the absolutes of either Heaven or eternity with the same people that put all the reality shows on TV? (And, see, there you thought I was either going to say "Hell" or "The Republican National Convention" didn't you?)

So, anyway, I'm worried that I might be dying (umm... not really... don't worry) because I've had this weird pain in my left butt cheek and thigh for a while, now. Originally, I thought I simply pulled a muscle in picking up the pup improperly. (Well, I know I did that. I scooped her up off the ground while walking, and I felt my "left lower back" go OUCH. See? Simple.) But the ouch hasn't gone completely away, since.

I think there might be an "I need a new chair at work" situation contributing to this. I've tried wearing different shoes on a daily basis, but that doesn't seem to make a difference. Or maybe it's a call for a new mattress. But I think it might simply be, at its base, some kind of wonky muscle-nerve issue. Ibuprofen helps, but sometimes - when I move just right - my lips kind of tingle. Which strikes me as odd, since my lips don't otherwise seem to be connected to the muscles and nerves of my left lower back.

Which is part of why I think I might be dying, as opposed to dead. Because, after all, no one ever talks about how, when they were dead and going toward the light, their lips tingled.

At this rate, I'm sure I probably only have decades to live.

Unless I get hit by a bus. Which would probably also cause my left lower back to hurt - assuming, of course, that I don't learn to limbo before then.

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